Sadness
Just saw my Granny in hospital, looking frail, gasping for breath. It was absolutely horrible, heart-wrenching, to see a loved one in this condition. Her condition had suddenly taken a turn for the worse, and a year ago, it was much better.
My first question to my Dad was, "Why had it become like this?"
His answer, "She's old...and getting weaker, esp. with the inflammation in her food passageway."
Yet, modern science and treatment can do nothing to relive her of the pain and suffering she had undergone for the past 2 years, of which a year I was in the Army and seldom had the time to go visit her.
But, everytime I visited her, she had that smile on her face, a smile because she was happy to see her grand-children. A smile seldom seen ever since my Grandfather passed away 3 years ago. I loved her, but perhaps, not the same way as I love my parents. It might not be devastating to lose her, but still her loss signifies something I will miss, deeply. Without her, the extended family would not be here now, at her side, when she requires support and care from all closest to her. In short, everything would not be the same should she leave.
Despite her failing eyesight, and the need to ingest via a food tube, she seemed healthy enough, and I hoped she would live on longer.
That did not seem the case just moments ago.
Lying on the bed, with a crowd of relatives surrounding her as though she was someone kept in an enclosure for viewing pleasure, she tried to sleep, but could not. Partially, it was due to the difficulty in breathing. With her food-passageway inflammed, the option given was to insert a food-tube to her stomach via one side of the nose, which left just the other side of the nose open for respiratory purposes. With her weakened condition, it just took twice (or more) effort to breathe, and it seemed like a battle every second, gasping for more air. Even with the air support system which she was hooked up to.
I just had the feeling that she would leave us anytime soon. The outlook was pessimistic, and the doctors said they could do nothing, as her condition could not turn for the better. It was the dreaded feeling that she'll just go and leave your side anytime.
Looking at the people gathered, my aunts and cousins, I realised that some of them were not present. Most oddly, my 2nd uncle who was staying with my Granny was not present. Probably, they had left earlier. Similarly, my 3rd uncle and his family were not in the crowd.
I did not ask why there and then, and could not be bothered. I had rushed down from my night shift to see her, and I was flustered by the SMS which my Dad had sent.
I just had this weird feeling, I cannot explain it. Sorrow? Grief? Tears for the dead? Soon...it will come.
The only thig which I can cling on to, for now, is HOPE.
Rest well...Granny.
Current Mood:
Sad